Forget the white stilettos, stone-washed jeans and peroxide perms that made Eighties Essex girls notorious.
It is also light and frothy and at times extremely witty with characters Howdy cowboy looking for Essex girl up with one-liners punchier than those penned by the scriptwriters of Hollywood blockbusters.
Top of the list is a deep orange-tinged glow, hence the spray tan on the eve of my trip. I arrive in Gants Hill at 8am the following day for my hair appointment.
She sets to work, barrel brush and hairdryer in hand, backcombing my hair and teasing the lengths into cascading waves. Since no lookinh Essex girl would be seen dead without a full set of hair extensions Lisa has prepared several rows of hair to clip into my own.
So the girls keep coming back. Three hours later I admire the long curled red hair snaking to the small of my back. At almost four grand a year I marvel at how the average Essex girl affords the upkeep.
Next on the list is a full face of make-up to go with my larger-than-life hairstyle. Another hour and two pairs of false eyelashes later I finally begin to feel like a real Essex girl.
My eyelids are so heavy with my new lashes I struggle to keep my eyes open. By 2pm and weighed down with hair, nails, lashes and make-up applied with a trowel I am almost ready.
As I enter Minnies, Billie rushes over and gives me a hug. A neon, sparkly haven of floral playsuits, Swarovski-encrusted platforms and chiffon evening gowns.
I have experimented with a plethora of styles over the years, gothic black lipstick, studded-leather punk jackets and Sloaney blazers but the Essex look, all Lycra and heels, has never appealed. People stare and young girls bound over asking for a photograph.
Over a glass of bubbly Billie laments she no longer has time to go out for champagne lunches. So I change back into my jeans and surprisingly feel a little plain.
Could I sacrifice several hours a day and most of my income for this high-maintenance way of gril I am brought back down to earth that evening when I go for dinner with my parents.
For more information, visit minnies-boutique.